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Some Rules in Which to Bro By –Mark Cugini

from The Ethics of American Kickboxing by 90s Meg Ryan

/

lyrics

"Some Rules in Which to Bro By"

You should, at any point in time,
be able to the recite the specs of any
Mercedes S-Class off the top of your head—
if not, memorize the monologues of
at least seven mob movies. Do not try to argue
with anyone who says that Goodfellas is the best
movie ever made — that’s fucking gay, bro. Do not
go longer than three days without running a lawnmower
over the space between your eyebrows—that’s
fucking gay, bro. Never call someone’s car
“sick” if he isn’t someone you’d chirp on a Friday
night—that’s fucking gay, bro. Always call it
chirping, not clicking, unless you actually are
from Brooklyn—and if so, the fucking horse
you rode in on. If your father’s from The Bronx,
root for The Yankees; if your father’s from Bay
Ridge, root for him to spontaneously burst into
flames while working on a power box on
Atlantic Avenue, because that’s the only way
you’re going to convince one of those public school
girls to give you a hand job. If you live amongst
the brick mailboxes and M-classes of the South Shore,
tell people that your father is an old-school goomba from
Gravesend; if you live on the Mid-Shore, tell people that
you run racks at Cue Time on New Dorp
Lane, even if you are too afraid to walk past
the brothers busting spades outside of the
high school in the afternoon; if you live on
the North Shore, tell people that Method Man
showed you his penis in the bathroom of Brother’s
Pizzeria. Only date girls who’ve never dated guys
that have worked at Brother’s Pizzeria. If you
can’t break up with your girlfriend, go away
to school, and make it somewhere far, like Oneonta
or Westchester. If you go away to school and
you meet someone from Staten Island, pretend
that no one ever taught you how to read a map.


_

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from The Ethics of American Kickboxing, released September 13, 2013

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90s Meg Ryan Muncie, Indiana

In 1989 Meg Ryan immortalized herself as Sally Albright.
Throughout the next decade, she mesmerized us all.

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